My Choice of Men
by heroofmyownstory
Summary: Lily Evans is irrevocably in love with two of the most morally questionable students of Hogwarts: James Potter and Severus Snape.
1. Chapter 1

**My Choice of Men**

Description: Lily Evans is irrevocably in love with two of the most morally questionable students of Hogwarts: James Potter and Severus Snape. Slightly AU & OOC.

 _Chapter One_

Lily strode over to the suspiciously whispering cabinet. "Prongs, I don't fit! Move over!" "Ssh, she'll hear us!"

Her anger mounting, face as red as her hair, she tore the cabinet door open, and the two lanky boys fell out, sprawled at her feet. She stood, towering above them, probably looking – in her opinion – rather menacing but the two boys just grinned at her, dark eyes sparkling with mischief, grinning ear to ear. Lily briefly wondered whether it was possibly to be this daft and oblivious to danger, before coming to the conclusion that they were made Gryffindors for recklessness and passion rather than bravery and self-moderation.

"You two blithering idiots," she spat, shaking her head, but she wasn't able to keep that frown on her face for much longer. The way James Potter looked at her had the power to melt her heart and make her feel warm and fuzzy, even if at the same time she knew that, logically, he was hateful and bigoted. "Come on, get up," she then burst into a grin, still shaking her head at the two boys' antics, extending a hand to James, who accepted it, and helped himself to his feet, squeezing Lily's hand a little tightly as she did so, making the redhead wince. Sirius stood up wordlessly, dusting himself off, looking like a lost puppy, wondering whether to leave or whether to stay… It surprised Lily how considerate he seemed to be with James while he was completely indifferent to the plight of others. It was, in a sense, a method of self-defense, but Lily wasn't sure it was morally excusable.

"Don't pretend like you don't love it," James said, puffing his chest out, ruffling his hair with a pretend-casual movement of his hand, grinning like he was the king of the world. Lily observed him quietly for a few moments, determining that despite his appearances, his eyes tingled with the fear of rejection. Lily smiled, thinking that such slight, occasional uncomfortableness was the _least_ he deserved for all the suffering he put others through – whether intentionally or in complete ignorance, just going after what he thought was right (at least for him), Lily wasn't sure sometimes.

"I'm not pretending," Lily said with a cocky grin to rival his, "I'm looking out for the girl whose friend you put a hex on!" she said, pointing to the second-year girl silently sobbing in a corner whom she had almost completely forgotten about. "Fix it!"

"Little Miss Prefect," James said, "Or should I say Little Miss Perfect?" he went on with a grin; his eyes were devoid of all amiability and Lily felt as though her insides, previously warm and fuzzy, were now being destroyed by molten lava. She felt sick to the stomach, truly, by James Potter; his fickleness, his unpredictability, and his amorality. They were all very unattractive traits, but the way he had the ability to make her feel on other occasions kept her waiting for him to change.

But after her quarrel with Snape earlier, and his current behavior… she was not sure she wanted to do anything with either of the two ever again. They loathed each other, despite possessing many of the same qualities, but because of the differences in their upbringing their personality traits surfaced in different ways.

"You should not utter anything," Lily said, "other than the Counter Curse for whatever hex you put on that girl's friend." She was no longer nice anymore; his behavior didn't warrant that. Sirius stood by idly, looking like he was edging to say something but refusing to because this was James's girl, which made whatever problem she posed James's problem. _James's girl_ , she thought ruefully. _As if, ever,_ she felt truly disgusted even though minutes ago he had made her feel warm and fuzzy inside, _I would never._ She was presently on the verge of tears but refused to show it.

"It's _Aversa Pars_ ," he said with a grin.

"Are you lying to me?" Lily said, cuffing his arm in utter frustration. She felt powerless. She didn't even know what hex had been put on the girl's friend, or how she could reverse it, and here he was clearly enjoying the power his knowledge granted over her ignorance.

"It really is," James said, and now both he and Sirius were snickering at her plight.

"Very funny guys," Lily said angrily, "You cursed a thirteen year old boy. Wow, such talent! Such bravery! Such chivalry! Are you guys seriously proud of yourselves? You two are pathetic. And you can't even tell me the Counter Curse? You two are worse than Slyhterins,"

The boys immediately stopped snickering as though being compared to members of the rival house was the height of insults. Lily smirked slightly, her eyes dancing with malice. _Finally,_ she thought, _these boys were finally getting just an ounce of all that they deserved._

"You're one to talk, you Slytherin-lover," James said, his lips curling downwards with revulsion and the usual, cheerful spark absent from his dark eyes. "Here you are, acting like the epitome of morality, while you fraternizing with the likes of _Snape,_ "

"Yes, Snivelly is surely a lot better than us," Sirius seemed like he had exhausted his quota of patience and could no longer refrain from commenting. Anything that was not at least partially about him was, to him, unbearable, which was probably the effect of growing up in a house devoid of love. "We saw you come out of that classroom," he said, "You seemed pretty upset. Are you sure Snivelly's someone worth crying over?"

Lily was taken aback, her eyes becoming bloodshot from the urge to cry, her cheeks aflame with shame. How… when… how dare they… but before she could say something, James, whose face expression was now that he had won considerably softer. " _Mitescere,_ " he said with a flick of his wand, which emitted a pearly blue glow that travelled all the way to the silently sobbing girl, which seemed to calm her down.

"What was that?" Lily demanded.

James, looking weary, the sparkle ever absent from his eyes, "It was just to calm her down. I couldn't stand her _wailing_ anymore," he said disgustedly and Sirius grinned in appreciation, "Anyway, it's _Aversa Pars._ The curse was _Verrucas_. The counter hex will make his warts disappear," he said, then smiled again. "Nice meeting you, by the way, Lily," he said, his demeanor changing like the wind, and, much to Lily's dismay, he leaned in closer, puckering his lips ever so slightly. Lily might have even laughed – he looked so ludicrous! – had the situation been different. Presently, emotionally exhausted from the day's events, she did the first thing that came to her mind, something she had often had the impulse to do before but had never dared to, held back by good manners and the consequences the action would entail. However, she followed her impulses unthinkingly, unable to think it through, too exhausted and offended and angry and sad… She slapped him, square on the face, the smack so loud that it made Sirius wince. Her hand left a huge, throbbing red mark on his face afterwards. He looked threatening, angry, menacing, and Lily's heart skipped a beat.

"This is about Snape, isn't it?" he demanded, eyes dark.

"No," Lily said, regaining her strength. Staring right back at him, determined, she said, "This is about me."

James stared at her, his face indescribable, as though waiting for her to change her mind or to tell her that what she said wasn't true; when he realized no such thing was about to happen, and Lily was not playing him, he strutted away, with a surprised Sirius at his heels like a loyal dog, Lily thought disgustedly. She was burning with hatred for both of them, and all of them, everyone who was even a tiny bit like them.

"And I meant it, James," she called after him, "We're not friends anymore. We never were." When she said those words, she realized she meant them and that they truly had never been friends, because it had been much more than that for both of them.

James stopped in his tracks, looked back, looking torn inside, then turned away, shaking his head, looking like he was on the verge of tears, if Lily's eyes were not mistaken. Lily took a deep breath and steeled herself, telling herself that she knew he deserved it, even if seeing someone hurt always made her heart ache. But this time, the ache quickly disappeared to be replaced by smug satisfaction. She had won. She had finally won. She sat down on the floor, sighing happily, feeling the tension gradually leave her body, smiling to herself, closing her eyes and immersing herself in the feeling.

"Er… Lily? Are we going to get my friend then, or…?" the girl suddenly said, snapping her out of her reverie.

Lily's smile quickly turned into a frown. "Sure," she said, the previous feeling of triumph vanishing to be replaced by the heavy feeling of obligation, "Let's go get your friend."

* * *

The following morning at breakfast as Lily was talking to her friend Beatrice, James casually slipped on the bench beside her, pushing a grouchy fourth-year aside uncaringly. "Hey!" the fourth-year yelped, but did not press on, fully aware – as was almost everyone at Hogwarts – of James's wand-yielding skills. "Could you please move over?" Remus Lupin, who had been tagging after James, asked, blushing, from the ruffled fourth-year.

"Sure, why not!" the fourth-year snapped, taking all her anger out on the one who she knew would not retaliate, but scooted over anyway.

"I'm really sorry for James," Remus whispered to her.

"What are you doing here?" Lily asked, blushing, wide-eyed.

"Well, what d'you reckon?" James asked, grinning. "I came here to greet you, Lilyflower,"

"Stop it!" Lily shrieked, feeling disrespected. She had specifically warned him away from her and he thought it to be a flight of fancy rather than a logical decision. And before that he had insinuated that she was only criticizing him and his friends out of loyalty to Severus, which was not completely untrue, but it didn't mean she wouldn't have found fault with their behavior even if she hadn't been friends with Severus. She was not blinded by her emotions, and did not center her decisions around the welfare of two selfish boys. James liked viewing others as inferior, but she was not, and she would not let him view her as such – or anyone else, for that matter. "I told you to stay away from me! I told you I've had enough of you-"

"Sure you said that, but what you really meant was-" James began, oblivious or willfully ignorant as ever, grinning, eyes sparkling, even though he didn't seem completely certain of his own truth.

"What I really meant was what I said," Lily snapped, raising her voice. "I told you to never talk to me again, and that is exactly what I meant and what I want. Get away from me."

James stared on impassively before his face contorted with the pain of rejection, and then, not without shoving the Gryffindor table in frustration, feeling powerless, sprang to his feet and said, "Fine. But you'll regret it."

Lily snorted loudly, "I highly doubt it," she said, smirking as she watched James strut away, knowing how defeated he must have felt in that moment. The boy had so often won against her in verbal spars was now defeated, and it filled Lily with glee. It was only a minute later when the intoxicating feeling of victory dissipated that she realized how the rest of the Great Hall was staring at her. She paid them no mind and resumed eating her breakfast. Eventually, the spectators got bored and went back to their own daily routines, some of them discussing the spectacle they had been witnesses of to add a little flavor to the daily grind. Lily felt disgusted, but knew she would have done the same. Gossip is something humans inevitably do – the extent to which they do however differs depending on personality and upbringing.

* * *

A/N: This is, er, experimental. This is my interpretation of the Marauders and Lily & Snape (I only wrote "OOC" to avoid people fling their opinions at me as to why I am wrong). I wanted to write about them in a more dramatic sort of way, because I always got the impression that deep traumas lay beneath their seemingly glossy lives. Or at least, that's the only way it would be realistic in my opinion. (Again, just an opinion, don't stone me for it.) Here's the result of the aforementioned convictions and desires... and I can only hope you like it!

I am not sure whether to continue it or not... hopefully your reviews will help me get to a decision.

Thank you for taking the time to read & review. Have a lovely day.


	2. Chapter 2

_Chapter Two_

James was absent from the following class, and even though some of the students were relieved by his absence (which was a tell-tale sign of what they really thought of him, in Lily's opinion) the redhead no longer felt glee. It was obvious that malice was not her path, but her insatiable need for justice never let her rest, sit things out, or wait for "karma" to sort it out. She always had to act, even if she regretted it afterwards, because hurting others – even those who had done wrong – went against everything she believed in, and hurt her in the end. _But if not me, then who?,_ she kept thinking. _I am the only one who has both the integrity and the guts to do it. All the others who have guts are like James and Sirius…_

Divination went by idly as she listened to Trelawney foretelling her early, tragic death in her lover's arms. Trelawney, who was often witness to James's attempts to ask her out, seemed to be obsessed with her love life, much to her dismay. She sort of felt like the laughing stock of the school when Trelawney went on about how she would soon fall in love with someone who's been 'in front of her nose' all along. Severus had flattered himself by thinking that person would be him, and for all during their fourth year, she had thought that Trelawney might just be right, but that's when James came along and it made her question everything she had ever known. Right off the bat he was able to make her feel in a way that Severus had never been able to, and she realized that had she been truly in love with Severus, she would have felt the same way about him too… Once, when discussing this with her mother, Mrs Evans had told her that love could develop over a long time, and encouraged her daughter to give her childhood friend a chance, but Lily didn't want to. She didn't want to _settle_. Besides, it's not like Severus was such a secure option either, given his blood purist tendencies and the influence his friends over him. She wondered how long it would take for him to turn against her if his friends belittled him for his choice of girlfriend. He wondered if he would immediately get bored of her once he got what he wanted; he wondered how much he would want her if she were any less pretty, any less… unavailable. She didn't feel inclined to give him a chance on the basis that 'unattractive boys were kinder' because obviously the world was not that black and white, and Severus was kind to her but he was not, in general, a very kind boy.

Neither was James, but… why was she still thinking about him?

James was still, she told herself, just a bit better because he hated blood purists – who hated her and her kind –, and stood up against them as well, when girls like her were unable or afraid to. If he would only stop hexing everyone, and limit his malice to people who actually deserved it… she sighed, thinking she had a rotten taste in men, but at least she had a good head on her shoulders and refused to give into them despite Sev's and James's numerous advances.

She lay her head down on the desk, waiting for class to end. Bea put a hand on her back and started caressing her back in an attempt to soothe her. Lily smiled, feeling considerably less heavy after the emotional support her friend gave her. "Relax, it'll soon be over," she said, smiling. Lily grinned, then went back to sulking as her friend continued to caress her back.

Finally, the bell rang, class ended, and the students hurried out of the classroom much to Trelawney's dismay, whose feelings they all ignored. All, except for Bea and Lily, who stayed behind, waiting for everybody else to leave to be finally able to talk.

"What happened?" Bea asked after the classroom was deserted, turning to her friend concernedly. "What was that with Potter?"

"Potter's just a prat," Lily said disgustedly, feeling genuinely nauseated. "But he's finally crossed a line, and I'm done with him,"

"What? What happened?"

"He tried to kiss me," Lily said.

"Wow, that's good!"

"No, it isn't," Lily shot back. "You don't understand. You don't know what happened," she then sat up and turned to face Bea, "He tried to kiss me in front of Sirius, out of the blue, no foreplay, nothing, he just… I don't know. It felt like it was just showing off – not necessarily to Sirius, but to himself as well, that yea, he can do this if he wants to, everyone's in love with him, blah blah," she sighed. "It was pathetic. It made me feel… disrespected. Like he didn't care about my boundaries at all."

Bea sighed. "Boys are idiots," she said forlornly. "I have a kill list, you know,"

"A what?"

"Like a death list. Who I'll eventually kill unless I get the mental help I need," Bea said, then laughed, "If you want, we can add Potter. I mean, if I already kill like 15 other people, adding one more to the list won't really do much damage, right?"

Lily stared at her friend incredulously before bursting out laughing as well. "Who's on your kill list, though?" she said.

"Boys I've dated, girls who are a pain in the ass," she said, grinning, before a shadow passed over her face, "Mostly boys though. Anyway, do you want to make your own?"

"Yeah, why not," Lily said, grinning. She took out a piece of parchment and scribbled _Kill List_ on top and underlined it to make the presentation neat then smiled to herself, satisfied.

"I usually also add the way I'd like to kill them," Bea said, "after their names. The problem is that's constantly changing as I get more and more creative, the more I think about these issues,"

"Don't think about these issues," Lily advised.

"I try," Bea sighed, then opened her mouth to say something but then decided against it and just shook her head at something she thought about before turning back to Lily, "So, who's on your list so far?"

"Number one's Sev," Lily said. She could see the brunette flinch in disgust at the name from the corner of her eyes, but decided to pay it no mind. "He's been my friend for over 5 years now and he decides to turn his back on me now just to fraternize with people who think I'm nothing. Who think we are nothing," she said, turning to Bea, on the verge of tears.

Bea smiled. "That's alright, though," she said. "You know how he's damaged. He needs something to hold onto to feel better about himself. Like Muggle boys do. Never date someone who says 'feminist' the way Snivelly says 'Mudblood'," she said, then pretended to laugh. Lily grinned, because the joke was funny in her opinion. "I won't. It's just such a pity about him though… he's so talented… he could have been great…"

Bea cleared her throat. "He is great, Lily. A great dickhead." She laughed again but Lily was not amused. "Anyway," Bea went on, clearing her throat now in embarrassment, "Who's the second?"

"Like you don't know," Lily said, "Potter."

"Any thirds?"

"No, not so far," Lily said. "But who knows, I mean the day's only just begun."

Bea grinned and left the room arm in arm with Lily. They were tired of the world, of the other gender, and had only each other to hold onto. But that was enough. Better in the dark with a friend than in the light in complete solitude.

Nothing happened over the course of the next few weeks. Potter didn't even tease Severus, not last but not least – though perhaps Lily was overthinking things – because she no longer came about to stop him from doing so. She felt sorry whenever she caught sight of Severus in the Castle, or being tormented by Potter (which he eventually returned to doing), and hated Potter and his friends for thinking they had the right to do this to other human beings, but taking into consideration that Severus hated her kind (and would have mindlessly hated her too if not for his attraction towards her), kind of dipped the scale in James's favor. That, and the fact that Severus had openly called her a Mubdlood. He did think less of her, even if he was attracted to her. He did believe in it, even if only because it made him feel better, but even so, he still didn't deserve her friendship, much less anything else he wanted. The thought of it made shivers of disgust go down her spine. Did he really imagine doing those things with her? God, how gross, she thought. She wasn't sure he did – she wanted to believe he didn't – but her mother and friends insisted all boys were like that, and that wasn't inherently bad according to them, but when it came to Severus, it definitely was. She mentally barfed, hating to be the object of someone's fantasies whom she didn't even fancy in return. It made her feel naked, violated, used.

Severus dropped on the ground and she was seized by a sudden impulse to spring to her feet and rush to his aid but in the end... she stayed back, reminding herself of her promise to respect herself and not humiliate herself by running to help someone who had openly humiliated her by calling her a _Mudblood_. Someone who was only able to appreciate her friendship – and her in general – behind closed doors; otherwise it was too embarrassing to be seen with her, to be helped by her, because she was, according to the ideology he endorsed, _lesser_ than him.

Lily sat back, leaning against the tree, thinking, _He deserves it. Not many people do, and Potter would deserve it too, but Sev definitely deserves this. All of his friends do, too._ But she couldn't help feeling sorry for him at least a little bit. Not that she'd ever show it, but she did.

* * *

It was only two weeks later that she and James communicated again.

"Lily," he said, running to catch up with her one day after classes.

" _Potter_?" she said coolly.

"Alright, sorry, Evans then," James said, catching up with her, panting, looking hurt and irritated. "I just… I just wanted to talk."

"Could anyone ever stop you if you wanted to do something?" Lily asked ironically and James burst into a flattered grin. "It was not a complement," she said disgustedly, "It's fucking pathetic how you only care about yourself and don't respect anyone else's boundaries or life,"

The grin quickly faded from James's face. "Sorry," he said and he seemed truly contrite. In that moment, he looked like a lost child. "I'm sorry," he said, looking her straight in the eye, lips quivering, body trembling ever so slightly. "I'm sorry," he repeated, "I came to apologize today, actually. I thought long and hard about what I had done." he said, then took a deep breath. "I wasn't respectful towards you, and I did it because I wanted to show off. I was a terrible person, and I am aware of it now."

"Wow, it took you a long time to realize, didn't it?" Lily said indifferently.

"Yeah," James said. "Yeah, I know. I'm sorry. Will you forgive me?"

Lily considered him for a moment. "No," she said, then burst into a smile, "I won't forgive you. You pig," she added as an afterthought. "I won't say it again – don't talk to me. You're just as bad as Severus and you're deluding yourself if you think you're not. And I don't want to associate myself with the likes of him, or you. Don't try to talk to me, ask me out, or talk to my friends, you obsessive freak. Here's a pro tip the next time you try to pick up a girl: respecting boundaries is hot, being a stalker is not. Have a _lovely_ summer, Potter," she said, as though twisting the knife in his chest, then walked away, smirking.

"Thanks, it will be just splendid after this!" he yelled after her after he got over his initial shock.

Lily just smiled to herself. "I wish I could feel sorry for you, but I don't!" she left for the summer, satisfied with her end of the year.

* * *

A/N: As you can see, Lily thinks Sev and James are very similar, and here she is still struggling with her attraction for both of them, not even admitting it to herself yet. What do you think about Bea? Any thoughts about where the story is going to go from this point? Let me know your thoughts/opinions. **(Also, none of this is intended as character-bashing, just the thoughts of characters at this stage of the story. But as the story goes on, viewpoints will be altered, etc.)**


	3. Chapter 3

The summer passed dreadfully. Somehow, it felt dreadful, even though she knew she was young, and young only once, and that she was supposed to enjoy it but something still felt off. She was living a sort of dual life which made even the happy moments seem bittersweet. The impending doom of a war kept the Wizarding World in fear; the Daily Prophet talked about mysterious disappearances and deaths, showed photos of grieving families and published accounts by fear-mongers and professionals who all said the same thing: anti-Muggleborn sentiments are at an all-time high. Sometimes, Lily just wished she would have remained a Muggle, and wished Petunia could understand that in her case, wizardry didn't only come with privileges but with setbacks as well. Petunia was always jealous of her, Lily thought, looking at her as she prepared dinner one day with their mother, without knowing anything about her. If Petunia had ever been able to look past appearances, actually try to get to know her, maybe she would have been better able to appreciate her own, non-magical life. Or at least, not in the sense that Petunia so wished.

On the other hand, the Muggle world was at peace, or at least in the part of the world they lived in. Petunia's greatest concern was whether a certain Vernon Dursley – the only offspring of a prominent, upper-middle class family – returned her feelings or not, and who would accompany her to the Homecoming Ball to make Vernon jealous. Petunia's life was a good life, Lily thought, it was only her jealousy that made it unbearable. Lily often tried to imagine how life would be if the roles were reversed. Lily knew for certain that she would not have sacrificed her friendship with her one and only sister on the altar of jealousy. The thought made shivers of disgust go down her spine. How could Petunia be so…so…? But then again, sisters or not, they were two completely different people, and their relationship would only ever work if Petunia managed to control her jealousy. Even if Lily weren't a witch, Petunia would still find other things to be jealous of – the fact that she was (admittedly) better-looking, smarter… maybe she _was_ vain, but she was loyal, and Petunia was jealous and disloyal and her faults were still more morally excusable than Petunia's. It was not her fault, after all, that Petunia was born the way she was, lacked the things she lacked, and she would not let Petunia punish her for something that was out of her control.

Lily didn't often talk about the war with her family. She didn't want to worry them unnecessarily. They had nothing to do with the world she was now part of – not even by extension – and would not be able to help… they wouldn't even be able to offer sound advice, Lily thought, because of how unfamiliar they were with the Wizarding World in general. Besides, she doubted discussing it would help solve it. It would just make the rest of the house – except perhaps Petunia, who always rejoiced when something bad happened to Lily – as paranoid and sullen as she was by the possibility of tragedy.

During the summer, she changed her mind about James. She still hated Sev for humiliating her publicly, and wanted to get back at him, because, whether or not she admitted it to herself, she constantly wished for times to change, anti-Muggle sentiments to drop to an all-time-low, and to be reunited with Sev. However, her pride stopped her from forgiving him. It would have been illogical to, anyway – he would do it again and again, because, as they both knew and felt, anti-Muggle sentiments were at an all-time-high and they had both chosen their paths. Sev endorsed bloody purity, while Lily, thanks to her heritage, had no choice but to opt for the possibly losing side.

 _Dear James,_

 _I am sorry for the way I had acted during school to you. It had been a very confusing few months for me after my fall-out with Snape_ …

Lily stopped and crossed that part out, thinking that James would probably not like that excuse. At least, not if it was said so explicitly. She made a few revisions and in the end, she thought, came up with the perfect letter to send to James:

 _Dear James,_

 _I am sorry for the way I had acted during school to you. It had been a very confusing few months for me and I now realize that I had treated people who wanted nothing but the best for me unfairly at times. I hope you don't feel wronged or victimized by me. I was wondering how your summer was going? I'm available for coffee if you'd like to discuss it once._

 _Lily_

Then she read it over, feeling her fury mount out of nowhere, and ripped it to pieces. Was she really that pathetic? That letter reeked of desperation. How could she have thought, even for just a moment, that that letter was presentable? That it could ever leave her bedroom, or belonged anywhere other than the trash can? No. _Snape_ didn't mean enough for her to sacrifice her dignity. Nobody meant enough for her for that. Besides, she wasn't sorry about anything she had done to James – that prick had deserved it! She shook her head, and wished she could delete her humiliating moment of desperation from her memory forever. However, no magic she knew could fix the past… so she just tore every physical memory of it, and hoped she could one day forget it. No one, she thought, would be any the wiser. She would never tell. She had to maintain the image of the strong, rational but loving girl everybody else thought her to be. It was better than if they knew who she really was.

She spent the rest of the summer with Bea, who had dragged a certain Alice along, who was nice but seemed like sort of a killjoy initially to Lily. Alice was shy, but demanding, soft-spoken, but strong-willed, and to Lily she seemed like a walking and talking oxymoron. Eventually, because Bea seemed so fond of her, Lily gave her a chance too and caught herself growing fond of her despite herself. She sometimes briefly wondered how the outcome of her life – and everybody else's – depended on so many little things. Our lives, she thought, are not entirely our own. We are inter-connected, we are like drops in the ocean, and without even a single drop the whole body of water would be slightly different.

She looked at Bea, and thought about how different her life would be if she had not approached the bubbly-looking girl with questions about her Transfiguration homework – which she was not particularly good at – that day in the Common Room. Our lives, she thought, all depend on chance, and each other, and ourselves as well. Life is so complex, she concluded in the end, and it scared her. As a child, everything had seemed so simple, but growing up – perhaps a little too fast because of the impending doom in the world she was only partially part of according to some –, she was beginning to realize that things were rarely what they seemed. And that despite having friends and a family, she had to solve her problems alone. She was alone – they were all alone – and everything else was an illusion, a drug to ease the pain of solitude, but only a temporary one. At the end of each day, she was alone, alone with her thoughts and her problems, and so was everyone else. And it was a terrible thing, especially since they were all interconnected in ways she could not perfectly see yet but was beginning to.

She, Bea and Alice became great friends. "There's a girl I'm afraid of," Alice confessed one day, drinking hot chocolate from a mug after they have just escaped from the pouring summer rain outside. Lily and Bea were wrapped in blankets and drinking tea and watching braindead American television. Lily and Bea turned to the girl interestedly. "She thinks she's my friend," Alice went on, slurping loudly, looking self-conscious but determined to confess what had been bugging her for a long time. "But I'm scared of her," she said, and all three of them burst out laughing. She looked so sweet, and innocent, with her large, sky-blue eyes, thick curly blonde hair, Lily couldn't help but think she looked like an angel from a Renaissance painting.

"Why are you scared of her?" Lily asked, sitting up on the couch, taking the mug of tea into her hands (which she had deposited on the cupboard beside the couch for the time being.) She was grinning; Alice's purity electrified her, energized her like the presence of a child. Alice was nothing like her, and that infuriated her and endeared Alice to her at the same time.

"Because," Alice said. "She's so assertive. And I'm not. And she doesn't tolerate my opinion, only hers," she went on. "She's nice, I mean. Protects me all the time. But I'm scared of her. And she thinks I'm dumb, and that makes me feel so bad."

Lily found herself able to relate to both of them; she had been on both sides of the coin. She had been looked down upon, and she had looked down upon others (sometimes even on Alice for her dumbness and naiveté.) She kind of felt bad now, hearing how that made Alice feel. She felt the sudden desire to change to avoid making others feel this way, but she knew she couldn't center her life on the welfare of others. If she became any kinder – at least openly – she feared people would walk all over her, as Petunia had so many times, as even Severus had, taking advantage of her kindness and naiveté. Sometimes she wished she could be more like Alice – that would leave her guilt-free – but at other times, she really didn't.

"But she protects you," Bea said, who could probably relate – just like Lily – to anyone who thought Alice to be a bit dumb. "I'm sure she doesn't even notice she's doing the rest to you. I mean, I'm sure she's not hurting you on purpose if she protects you from others,"

Alice blinked. "Yeah… Yeah… I know. I just…" she went even redder than Lily's hair and the redhead watched in amusement. "I just wish I were smarter."

"Aww," Bea and Lily cooed at the same time, getting up from the couch and running to hug Alice from both sides, who looked surprised and by the looks of it, was also elated at the attention. "I'm sure she loves you!" "Yeah, we love you too, Alice," Lily went on. What sort of twisted person could not love someone as pure as Alice? "Who's this girl, by the way?" Bea asked.

"Marlene," Alice said. "Marlene McKinnon,"

A few days later, Bea and Lily were discussing Alice's confession. They were over at Bea's (Lily hated being at home, largely due to Petunia and her parents' willful obliviousness to the two girls' rapidly deteriorating relationship, which they could not fix and thus refused to acknowledge openly). Bea lived alone with her mother and grandmother, who were both witches who had married Muggles. Her father left them when Bea was one years old – when he found out about Bea's mother's magical powers –, and they have been living together for ages now. Their home was very peaceful, Lily thought, because they all valued love and peacefulness over who was right and who was wrong, unlike Petunia. It was amazing how one bad seed could ruin an entire garden, she thought one day.

"I know Marlene," Bea, who was a Huffelpuff, said. "She's a Gryffindor."

"I know her too," Lily said enthusiastically. "She is scary though," she confessed, and they both laughed, "She's beautiful, she's really, really smart, but she's egotistic as hell."

"Kind of like Black and Potter then," Bea said with a grin, but from the look in her eyes it was clear to Lily Marlene wasn't very sympathetic to her. Unlike Lily, who sometimes only pretended to hate James, Bea was truly repulsed by them. She didn't make a big show of it –unlike Lily – which made the latter certain that Bea was not faking it.

"Yeah, they're related," Lily said. "They're like second cousins, twice removed, or something. Marlene's family is not as open to Muggleborns as James's, though, but they're not as far gone as the Blacks,"

Bea pulled a face. "I wonder why she bothers with Alice," she said. "Not to be mean or anything, but they're not even in the same grade, she's got her own friends, I mean, you'd think Alice would just seem like a nuisance to a girl like Marlene who's got it all together,"

Lily blinked, then shrugged, "I mean, I don't know. I guess she's a lot like Potter and Black in that aspect, don't you think? Beneath the layers of fake or real – I don't know – egotism, they actually have hearts of gold. Or, silver," Lily said when Bea snorted at the perceived ridiculousness of Lily's claim.

"Or, like, plastic," Bea said. "I mean, I know James is hot, and that he treats his friends right, sort of, but what makes you so sure he'd treat you right? I think he just likes you because you're different. You're a catch. But I'm not sure he'd be able to appreciate you." she added with a sad smile at the end.

 _He'd appreciate me, how would you know,_ was Lily's first internal reaction but then she chided herself. Bea was merely voicing her own worst fears. The reason Lily hadn't succumbed to her desire for James was exactly because she wasn't sure about the purity of James's motives, either. How could she be mad at Bea for trying to help her? God, was she a vain and unreceptive to constructive criticism! She had to admit that Bea was right in voicing these fears and issuing this friendly warning. She did have things to be afraid of when it came to James Potter, but that somehow repulsed and excited her at the same time. The prospect of being the "Chosen One" was appealing to her ego, which was in desperate need of some stroking. But at the same time, she knew liking James was logically wrong.

"I want to meet this Marlene," Lily said, who was in truth very much intrigued by this girl. Marlene was everything she had ever wanted to be but could not ever become. Marlene was rich, Marlene was beautiful, Marlene was popular, Marlene was razor-sharp, Marlene was tough, and most of all, she was a Pureblood – that's what she envied most. But since she knew her own heritage was not her fault, she didn't hate Marlene for being born into a more advantageous situation than hers. That was not Marlene's fault either. And were the roles reverses, Lily would take advantage of every privilege her blood status would grant her. She envied Marlene, but she looked up to her at the same time. But she could never hate Marlene for being everything everyone wanted to be and enjoying it. She was like Marlene in her own Muggle world, but in the Wizarding World, she was much less and had to fight tooth and nail to prove herself. She could understand Marlene, and knew that privileged people were not nearly as privileged as they appeared. However, appearances were enough to confuse the dumb masses, sometimes even her, even though she was intelligent.

"Why?" Bea asked, getting jealous immediately.

Lily laughed, flattered. "Because!" she said. "She seems intriguing. Besides," she stressed when Bea was about to interrupt, "She bothers with Alice. So she must be a good person. I'm sure she'd like us,"

Bea snorted, who was not so sure. Bea had more insecurity issues beneath the surface than she did – or at least that's the impression Lily often got – what with growing up without a father (something she was often teased about in her small, judgmental neighborhood), and in a sometimes rocky home, being placed into Hufflepuff… All her life, much like Lily, Bea had attempted to prove herself. She was the best of her year (at every subject she took, while Lily only excelled in certain subjects), she was bubbly and popular, but she still fought to be better, because she felt her heritage held her back and that her qualities weren't properly appreciated because of the house she put in either.

"I'm not so sure," Bea said. "But we can try," she said with a smile. Bea was always up for challenges and was tough and brave despite her soft exterior, with her porcelain skin and warm, brown eyes and beautiful, flowing hair. She was the epitome of femininity, until she opened her mouth. Then she turned out to be so much more, and so much better than just a stereotype.

Sometimes, Lily wondered how Bea had been placed in Hufflepuff. "I value fairness and loyalty over bravery," she said. "I don't think these values are appreciated enough because they're not as showy," she went on, surprising Lily with her intelligence again, "Ambition and bravery are so much more spectacular, you know? But we Hufflepuffs never give up. That's what sets us apart and why we succeed more often than those with great qualities who think the world owes them something for it. We don't. We work hard and persevere. And I could go on for ages about why I think Hufflepuff is the best house, and why I wanted to be placed here instead of Gryffindor."

"Really?" Lily remembered asking. "You could have been-?"

Bea shook her head. "No. The Hat considered it, vaguely, and it had considered Slytherin too, because of my ambition, but I chose Hufflepuff. Slytherins are just sooo… I mean, sure, they're loyal to each other, but… I wanted to be a good person, above all else. I think being a good person is more important than being successful, which is why in the end the Hat placed me in Slytherin. I valued hard work and loyalty and fair play above all. Which makes me a Hufflepuff, and that's why I don't get why people look down on this house! I mean, hard work, loyalty, fair play – they're all amazing qualities, huh? Like what's your problem with it?" she said, then laughed, but her laugh felt out of place. When recounting sad stories, Bea always only laughed at the parts most painful to her. And even when she laughed, her eyes tingled with a sort of broken determination, if there was such a thing. No matter how she felt, she would go on and persevere and achieve her dreams.

Lily understood why the Hat had considered her a Slytherin. She had only seen such ambition and desire to prove herself in Severus. But ultimately, Lily had to agree, Bea was not Slytherin material, because in all other aspects she differed from Severus. It was good that Bea knew this too and was proud of who she was. Thanks to their friendship, Lily had began to see Hufflepuffs differently as well, but only because of their friendship. Before that, she too had thought that Gryffindor was the best house, with perhaps Slytherin a close second – at least, they were the most distinctive ones. Now, she just wished she were a Huffelpuff, away from the extreme rivalry of the two houses, not caught in the crossfire, her heart broken as collateral damage between the rivalry of Severus and James.

One day after going home from Bea's to spend the rest of the summer home in a completely different region of England, her sister threw a pack of letters at her.

"Hey, freak," Petunia said. "Your abnormal friends sent you some letters over the course of the summer."

"Gee, thanks, you really had to throw them on my head, didn't you?" Lily snapped, on the verge of tears. Her mother was just smiling in the kitchen, looking like she was thinking, _Ah, what adorable banter between sisters!_ She never interfered, even though Lily thought she should have. What sort of parent would allow this to go on? Where was parental authority and guidance when they would have needed it the most? By stepping aside, didn't they realize they were permanently ruining their daughters' relationship – or at least, letting Petunia walk all over it? They should have corrected her.

"Sorry," Petunia said, giggling, her eyes tingling with malice.

"And you say I'm the _freak_ ," she spat, but, infuriatingly, Petunia only giggled, saying, "You _are_ the freak," and ran promptly to suck up their mother before the latter could tell them to quiet down and love each other. Lily could see that Petunia and her mother had grown closer over the course of the summer in her absence. _Petunia had driven me away, and now she's mother's new little favorite!? Fantastic,_ Lily thought ruefully.

"I'm not a freak," Lily argued. "And if you'd only let me, I'd transform you into a less bitter person with just a flick of my wand." She was etching to say _Muggle_ but Petunia would have probably just laughed at it scornfully. Had she not known better, Lily would have thought Petunia was over the fact that she was not magical. But then she'd probably just let it go and stop trying to torment her, right? No, this was merely a new tactic to make her feel bad about being better than her in some way, which, again, was not really Lily's fault that she was just a _Muggle_. She caught herself beginning to say Muggle the way others said Mudblood, and she suddenly found herself understanding their perspective, but stopped herself anyway. You can't judge, she told herself, an entire population by one seventeen-year old girl.

"Bitter? Don't flatter yourself," Petunia said. "I don't want to be a freak like you,"

Lily sighed, and said, "Whatever,", giving up, picking up her letters and starting to read them, in front of Petunia whom she knew would be jealous. Then she noticed some of the letters had been opened. She could feel her fury mount and the blood rush to her face. "OK, who read this?!" she demanded, eyes instantly flashing to Petunia. Petunia and their mother were smiling complicity as they prepared shitake mushrooms for lunch. "Which one of you did this?" she demanded, frustrated, panicked, hurt, betrayed.

"Come on, Lily!" Mrs Evans said, laughing. "No one read your letters,"

"Yes, they did," Lily said. "Someone opened the envelopes and read them." she said, brandishing the opened envelopes as proof. "See? The seal's not in its proper place-"

"Lily, please stop," Mrs Evans said. "And if your sister read them? Who cares? She's your sister, what could you be hiding from her?"

Lily's face went red with anger, and she did her best to not cry. Is this really how her family welcomed her home? She had been gone for two months, and this is how they welcomed her home!?

"It's my private life, Mom, she had no right to-"

"Lily," Mrs Evans said impatiently, dropping the wooden spoon on the kitchen table irritably. Petunia was smirking beside her, head down, trying to hide her glee, but Mrs Evans was not paying attention to her anyway. "You just got home, didn't you? Why are you causing drama again? You're already the witch in the family, does everything always have to be about you?"

Exhausted from the long journey back home, missing Alice and Bea already, she grabbed the opened envelopes, her suitcase, and ran up the stairs, trying not to cry until she was out of sight. It was obvious Petunia had turned into the family favorite in Lily's absence. They might have even interpreted Lily's vacation at Bea's as a sign of defiance or selfishness. She had missed Petunia's birthday, certainly, but what was she to Petunia?

Petunia was very cunning and smart, and had certainly used the time spent alone to endear her parents to her over Lily. And it had worked, Lily thought, crying into her pillow, trying to remain silent. They would always take her side, Lily thought, because she's the underdog. And her parents loved the underdog.

Her sole comfort were the letters she had now received, opened or not. They were from several of her friends from Hogwarts, and that made her heart warm and fuzzy... but two of the senders names made her heart beat frantically. _Severus Snape_ and _James Potter._ What could they want?, she wondered, before taking out the parchment from each of the envelopes with trembling hands.

* * *

A/N: I wanted to make Lily's parents a bit more fair in their treatment of the two sisters... I found it wholly unbelievable that they could would single one of them out and lavish them whilst neglecting the other sister. Obviously, in this story it's going to be this way, which is why I have noted it's partially AU in the first chapter. It's going to stay this way, so if you don't like it, I don't advise you to read on, because there are going to be slight changes like this in the future as well.

I'm open to all sorts of reviews, so if you have a problem with anything (except for this) I'd be glad to hear it! :)


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